He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Actions speak louder than pants.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
