god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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