You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
only you would photoshop your dick
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
