What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
do herpes really smell.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
