this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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