If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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