I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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