If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
