Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
