You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
