I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
