I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
