i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
