omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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