I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
