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you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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