i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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