So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
