I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
