you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
