my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
