I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
