Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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