i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
