Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
