i may or may not be watching the land before time
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
