It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
