I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
