You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
