My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
