Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
