the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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