The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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