2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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