Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
