Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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