first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
