Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
