Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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