who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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