this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You were trust falling into bushes
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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