how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
