Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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