I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I believe in your delicious
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
