Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
