There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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