I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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