Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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