Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
