Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
