Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize