I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
