help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
