Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
