I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
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