Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
