Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
