If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
