why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
